Why Won't my Husband Have Sex with Me Anymore?
In the vast majority of couples, sex is something that only happens with each other. So without it, the relationship stops feeling like a relationship. Even if you have kids, and pets, and a home together, and everything else is great... it just doesn't feel right. It's remarkable how prevalent sexless couples are, of all ages. And where many trip up is assuming it's the woman (in heterosexual relationships) that withdraws, but increasingly it's men who withdraw! Let's dive into why, and then what you can do to bring more sex back into your lives.
1. Porn Addiction
The Problem
Yep... it comes as no surprise that in a world where social media is basically just 'soft' porn, our brains quickly get rewired. Let me break it down. Humans are naturally sexual beings... it's literally in our genes! And way back when none of this porn stuff existed, we relieved our sexual urges with other humans (actual true urges that form a crucial part of the human survival instinct - "I need sex... to reproduce"). But in the 1900s nude magazines started being sold, and all of a sudden, you could get all the pleasure without the need for a partner. I'm not saying people didn't, masturbate before, but the stimulus that makes it all happen could only really be found with another being. These magazines meant the physical features of women that turned men on (boobs, butts, thighs, etc) could come from not a physical human being present. And then the internet came about. And then free porn sites. And now that we all have a slab of glass in our pockets, not only can we see it whenever we want, but it is actively being pushed onto us (or at least those where the algorithm has noticed it gets more attention from that sort of content). And now the issue arises. Men can at any point satisfy their urges without the effort of including you. And when that urge is satisfied, well... it's not there anymore. And that's a leading reason why men are less sexually driven than before.
The Solution
Unfortunately, in this case, it's going to have to come from them. Porn addiction is a serious addiction! And there's only so much that open conversations can do. Naturally, there's lots to be said about how to approach these conversations (see our blog for more on successfully talking about sex). But let me push you a little here. If he's watching porn because it's low effort, is there room for strategy? Hit him when he's not expecting it (so he's not had chance to 'relieve' himself yet), make it low effort for him, and give him what porn and a hand can't. And that's not a subtle "Want to join me in the bedroom.", because men can be oblivious creatures. It's a "I've not had you inside me for ages. Get on the sofa, pull your pants down, and let me take what I want." It's vulnerable, sure, and getting shot down hurts. But it might just work. And now you've got your foot in the door, slowly move into inviting him to give you what you want. And positively reinforce with "I've missed that." and "I want to have sex more often."
2. He's Not Getting What He Wants
The Problem
The honeymoon phase of a relationship is great. Sex is awesome because it's new. Even if you're not getting what you want, it's the novelty that fuels it. And where most couples fail here is they don't learn what the other likes in the bedroom, so as the novelty wears off, so does the frequency. Eventually, in our own heads, we say to ourselves "Well I didn't get what I wanted X times in a row now... sex isn't even worth it." And don't make the mistake of assuming it's an orgasm. They're great, but as we saw above, you can get a lower effort orgasm elsewhere.
The Solution
It is never too late to learn what you both like. And even if they've not made that step to want to learn what you like, you can make that step for both of you. A chat about what's missing, with the caveat of "everything out in the open, even if it's raw" so the truth comes out. And then acting on what was said! "I wish you'd wear more revealing clothes to arouse me during the day" is an invitation to ask more questions, and try something different. Likewise, you'd hope that if you said "I want you to eat me out more" would lead to more of that too. Usually reciprocity is powerful, and I'd always recommend leading by example! Chats are tough though. It's easy to let emotions get the worse of you, for things to get heated, for questions to not be asked due to resentment or forgetfulness, and to focus only on oneself and not the partner. That's why we built this quiz - a tool to ease communication. It asks the right questions, and delivers it in the right way.
3. Just... Life
The Problem
Work is stressful. So is the home life! Chores, kids, that idiot that drives 20 in a 50... and then hen it's finally time to hop into bed, of course sex isn't a priority. There's not much more to it than that. Life is hectic, and it gets us all.
The Solution
Prioritise sex! You need to make time for each other, and the occasional weekend away is not enough to sustain a happy, healthy sex life in a relationship. Treat it like a club, or an activity. If you have kids, send them to a weekly evening club. If you have chores, put a pin in them on a Tuesday when you both get back from work. And if you have irregular working schedules, it's all the more important! Find the overlaps and make sure sex comes above the non-essential 'essentials'. Cleaning the bathroom is important, but it can wait 15 minutes. Scheduling sex in has an unfair stigma associated to it. We almost expect sex to be spontaneous, but that just doesnt cut it when 'spontaneous' means twice a year. You both need to agree to schedule it. Treat it like building a new habit. Oh, and it goes without saying. If you want to focus on sport and fitness, sex is fitness! Treat it like your 'three runs a week'. Be energetic! More around, use the furniture, try new positions from our Sex Position Bible.
