The Foreplay Guide: 15 Things Couples Skip

You've probably heard that foreplay matters. But nobody tells you that most couples are doing it wrong. And by that I mean barely doing it at all! Studies show the average couple spends fewer than 15 minutes on foreplay before sex. And research also consistently finds that longer, more intentional foreplay is one of the biggest predictors of sexual satisfaction for BOTH partners. The gap between what feels good and what most couples actually do is enormous. Regardless of how long you've been together, this guide will show you exactly what to do to turn foreplay from a brief warm-up into the main event.

Why Foreplay Matters More than you Think

Before we get into the good stuff, let's clear something up. Foreplay isn't the opening act. The majority of women cannot reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone. The clitoris, with over 8,000 nerve endings, needs sustained, varied stimulation, which almost always comes from foreplay (or some great grinding). For people with penises, foreplay is important too. It builds arousal, intensifies sensation, and makes what's to come feel way better.

The 15 Foreplay Moves

1. Start Hours (or Days) Before

The most powerful sex organ is the brain. Building anticipation IS foreplay, and it can start in the morning with a flirty text, a naughty look over dinner, or a whispered promise of what's coming later. Studies in arousal psychology show that anticipation activates the same 'reward' pathways in the brain as the act itself, meaning by the time you're together, you're already halfway there. Try sending a suggestive message during the day with no follow-up.

2. Set the Scene

Bright lights, the TV on, and a pile of dirty laundry on the bed will kill the mood (for most of you anyways). Dim the lights. Put on a playlist. Remove stressors.

3. Actually Kiss!

Kissing is often the first casualty of a long-term relationship. Couples replace kissing slowly with a quick peck before sex. Slow down! Use your hands on their face, or neck if it's something they're alright with. A great kiss is the connection that makes for great sex!

4. Neck and Ear Play

The neck and ears are packed with sensitive nerve endings. Light kisses or a soft bite on the neck can be super sexy. Start gently and pay attention to their response. The area just below the ear and along the collarbone is particularly sensitive for most people ;)

5. Full-Body Touch

One of the biggest foreplay mistakes? Going straight for the genitals. Skipping the rest of the body is like skipping the appetiser at a restaurant (technically you still get dinner, but you miss the what makes it feel like a great meal). Run your hands slowly across their back, stomach, thighs, and arms. Tease. Come close to the obvious places, then pull back. This kind of touch heightens sensitivity when you do eventually get there.

6. Massage

A sensual massage isn't a five-second shoulder rub before you make your move. It's "I want to make you feel good, and I'm in no rush". Even ten minutes can completely transform the mood. It relaxes the body, releases oxytocin, and creates the intimacy you want pre-sex.

7. Dirty Talk

Verbal arousal is so underrated. Telling your partner what you want to do, what you're noticing, what you love about their body (even if you feel awkward doing it) is powerful. Even something simple like "I've been thinking about you all day" or "You look stunning" can completely change the energy in the room. Our roleplay and bedroom communication guide has practical prompts to ease you in.

8. Undress Each Other Slowly

I bet you're usually already naked, or get naked pretty quickly. Slowly undressing your partner (and kissing down as you do) is foreplay in itself. Make the act of getting naked... deliberate.

9. Manual Stimulation Done Right

Hands are extraordinary tools, and most people use them like they're trying to start a car rather than play an instrument. For vulva owners, take your time with external stimulation before going in. For penis owners, vary grip, speed, and pressure, and pay attention to the little bit round the back of the head (called the frenulum) which is one of the most sensitive spots that often gets ignored. We go deep into this in our guides on how to finger your partner and the perfect handjob guide.

10. Oral Sex

Oral sex is often treated as either the main itself (or a way to quickly lube-up). The couples who report the highest sexual satisfaction treat it as a part of the whole experience, and spend time on it too! If it looks like you're doing it because you want to, not because you feel obliged tot will change everything for both of you. Again, we've got guides for those too. For incredible blowjobs and mouth-to-vulva

11. Use Lube Early

Lube is often mistaken as a sign that something's wrong. It's actually a sign that you're paying attention (because it's super common for dryness, and it does not mean a lack of arousal)! Natural lubrication varies enormously depending on stress, hydration, medication, hormones, and where someone is in their cycle. Adding lube early (and reapplying when it makes sense to) makes everything feel better. Keep a good one nearby. Oh, and don't be afraid to try a few and find one that you both like. There's a reason there's a wide variety out there ;)

12. Pay Attention and Ask Questions

Watch for changes in breathing, sounds, muscle tension, and subtle movements that tell you what's working and what isn't. And ask: "Does this feel good?" "Do you want more of that?" "What do you want?" It's only not sexy if you decide it isn't! I'd say it's one of the most intimate things you can say to your partner. It shows you're actually paying attention to them, not just going through the motions because some guide told you to.

13. Introduce a Toy

Bringing a vibrator or couples' toy into foreplay can remove pressure and add sensation that hands and mouths can't. Couples who use sex toys together report significantly higher levels of sexual satisfaction! Start small (think small vibrator that can be used on you both).

14. Eye Contact

Sustained eye contact during intimate moments creates a level of connection that most couples rarely reach. It's that connection that makes it feel like you're there, together, in the moment, and it tells the brain it can be vulnerable and open. Don't be weird about it though. You know it's not a staring competition. Just make sure your eyes meet from time to time.

15. Don't Rush to Sex

The moment between foreplay and sex is so often botched. Don't abruptly switch gears. Let the foreplay build up to it, so the transition feels smooth and natural. The best sex feels like a continuous experience.

How to Know if Your Foreplay is Working

Ask your partner! An ongoing, comfortable conversation about what you both enjoy is healthy. Regular check-ins on what is and isn't working, what you'd like to try or change, etc. If that feels awkward, try a sex quiz for couples (like ours perchance?) A way to uncover shared desires and find new ideas and communicate in a way that focusses on both of you.