Duty Sex - Turn Chore into Desire
Set the washing machine. Wash up the plates at the bottom of the sink. Hoover the stairs. Walk the dog. Sex… You read that right. Sex included in a list of chores. And you might well relate to that. It’s not fun, or special, or a treat. It’s a task to be done on a regular basis to keep the relationship afloat. It’s what your partner expects, so you deliver. ‘Duty sex’, sex out of obligation (or at least it feels like obligation). From our research, we know it’s a huge problem in sexless marriages. Or sexless relationships. That relationship intimacy has gone, there’s a sexual disconnection, and for at least one of you, it’s become a chore you don’t want to do (like all other chores really… unless you’re that weirdo that loves ironing). Like all other things, there is a fix to ‘duty sex’. A way to reignite that erotic passion you both once had, and this time, you won’t let it fizzle out.
What Is Duty Sex?
If ‘duty’ means an obligation, then you’d think ‘duty sex’ is the obligation of sex. Let’s not be silly though, of course you never have an obligation to have sex. That… would be rape! ‘Duty sex’ is not literal, but more the result of a feeling. The feeling that leads to it is that you must have sex because you are in a relationship. It’s a societal norm. Peer pressure on a large scale. And, let’s face it, it’s a norm that doesn’t reflect everybody’s preferences. The ’duty sex’ is the sex that results from that feeling. An often dull, pathetic, boring kind of sex that you do to just about satisfy your partner. To keep them happy. The opposite of ‘duty sex’ is, well, normal sex. The kind that you both want, and enjoy. Sometimes it’s enthusiastic, exciting, and extremely hot. Other times it’s a bit more toned down, but still enjoyable.
What does Duty Sex Look Like?
There’s a big misconception here. Duty sex is not ALWAYS dull and pathetic. It can be super energetic and exciting, depending on how you play your hand. Just because you feel like you need to do the sex, it doesn’t mean you won’t take it seriously. You might pull out all the stops every time and make it special, though you do it because you feel obliged to. You’re not excited for it, and you don’t particularly want to do it. You just know how to act really well and put 110% into everything you do. However, on most occasions, it’s the sex that just about meets the standard. The lazy position that gets the other person off. A hand-job, or a laying position, or you just letting your partner go to town without putting in much yourself. There’s fewer horny words, and less passionate kissing. There’s probably very little foreplay, and after the deed is done, it’s a quick return to whatever was happening before (or sleep). That’s what it usually looks like. Sheila Wray Gregoire from Bare Marriage goes a step further and makes a great point – ‘duty sex’ is often bad because, for the person feeling the pressure, they will find it “harder to get aroused”, they’re less likely to climax, and they’re more likely to experience sexual pain. Which makes for bad sex! Read the full article here. Not all toned down sex is duty sex. Let’s make it clear. It’s perfectly normal for both people in a couple to want to have sex, and just have a lazy one. What was just described is not exclusively duty sex. It’s just usually how it manifests itself.
Why Does Duty Sex Happen?
There’s a lot of common causes of ‘duty sex’ in relationships, and if what you’ve read so far makes you think you might be suffering from ‘duty sex’ in the bedroom, try to see which of the reasons below resonate with you. Knowing which ones affect you will become important when we look at tackling the problem at the root cause. By the way, to make it easier to read I’ll use “=” to mean “leads to”. For example, something really funny happens = hysterical laughter = abs hurt (because you’ve laughed so hard).
Relationship Dynamics
1. I do more around the house = I feel under-appreciated or resentful = I don’t feel like giving more through sex 2. My partner never does romantic things = I feel emotionally disconnected = I don’t feel the want to have sex 3. We argue often or have unresolved tension = I feel emotionally unsafe or guarded = I avoid intimacy, even if I say yes physically 4. We never talk about sex or what I like = I feel invisible or like my pleasure doesn’t matter = I stop wanting sex and just go along with it 5. My partner expects sex to ‘fix’ our relationship = I feel used or misunderstood = I have sex out of pressure, not desire Michelle Mays, a professional counsellor, talks about emotional disconnect and ‘duty sex’ in more detail here. If you connect with emotional safety (or lack thereof) contributing to your dread for sex, take a read!
Internal Beliefs and Social Conditioning
6. I was taught that good partners should always say yes = I feel guilty saying no = I agree to sex when I don’t want it 7. I believe I should meet my partner’s ‘needs’ = I fear rejection or conflict if I say no = I say yes out of obligation, not excitement 8. I’ve absorbed messages like ‘men always want sex’ = I think it’s my job to keep them satisfied = I perform sex even when I’m not feeling it 9. I feel like sex is a duty in long-term relationships = I don’t check in with my own desire = I have sex because it’s expected, not because I want to
Personal Wellbeing
10. I’m tired, overwhelmed or touched out = I have no mental or emotional space for sex = I say yes just to “get it over with” 11. I don’t feel good in my body right now = I feel insecure, anxious or numb = I agree to sex while secretly wanting to disappear 12. I have past trauma or unresolved sexual pain = I feel disconnected from my body or scared of intimacy = I say yes to avoid triggering tension, but feel detached 13. I’ve lost my libido or don’t know what turns me on = I feel broken or like I’m letting my partner down = I force myself to participate even if I feel nothing 14. I have a medical condition = I feel guilty for not being able to or wanting sex = I use up so much energy to have sex that I don’t want to do it
Fear
15. If I say no too often, I’m scared they’ll leave or cheat = I have sex to keep the relationship “safe” = I feel anxious and disconnected during sex 16. My partner pressures me or gets sulky when I say no = I feel emotionally manipulated = I have sex just to avoid conflict Equally, you may just have 17. A low libido (or perhaps you are asexual). A fine, and very common reason for not wanting to have sex often. I’ve also read a different reason... 18. You’ve mentally checked out of the relationship. You may be falling for somebody else (or already have), or you may be happier alone. But, for whatever reason, you’re still with your partner, and the duty sex is more of a case of making sure they’re still getting at least some satisfaction from the relationship while you get your satisfaction from elsewhere. I’m going to leave this one here because I believe you should ultimately break that relationship off if this is the case. You’d be doing both of you a favour. But if you do want to read into it more, check out Teresa Conway’s article here.
The Emotional Impact of Duty Sex
I doubt this is you, but in case it is… if you feel like ‘duty sex’ is a harmless issue that you’re happy to live on with, think again. It’s a relationship ender, or worse, a foundation to an unhappy relationship that you feel stuck in. You’ll grow resentful towards your partner… how dare they want sex when you don’t want to give it. How dare they pressure you into something you don’t want to do. It’ll make you sad, feeling like you are used and unhappy. You might feel guilty for not wanting to do something that makes them happy. Ultimately, it’s a host of very negative emotions that’ll make your life sadder than it has to be. The impact isn’t only on you though. Let’s, for a second, consider the impact on the other person in the relationship. They’ll start to feel unwanted and unloved, since to them sex is important and they’re not getting it. They’ll also feel disconnected. They’ll develop self-criticisms and crave to be desired. They might (emphasis on the might) consider cheating to get that feeling of being wanted. The point is, they will also hurt. And how silly to limit the impact to you both. How about those around you? If you have children living with you, they’ll have two unhappy parents. It’ll impact them. Your work may be impacted by your low mood. You and your partner may become more miserable and that will affect friendships, acquaintances, the way you communicate with strangers. All of a sudden, ‘duty sex’ has had a knock on impact on so many people. It’s a problem that deserves attention. But note that ‘duty sex’ does NOT mean you are broken. It does not mean that your partner is broken. It doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It simply means there’s a cog in this beautiful machine that is your life that needs some attention. It’s a solvable, fixable problem.
Is Duty Sex Always Bad?
There are very nuanced perspectives here, and you may fall steadfast in one camp. Sometimes, partners are willing (and even happy) to give sex without wanting it. They may see it as simply an activity, or they may revel in the joy it gives their partner. It is still ‘duty sex’ since it’s sex that comes as a result of feeling like it must be given. But that doesn’t mean the giver feels unhappy about it. Perhaps neutral. The sex might not be bad. We covered it earlier, but the giver might really put on a show. They might not want to, but they still will – and the sex might be considered good. In some cases, it starts as ‘duty sex’, and the partner that initially was only doing it out of guilt or pressure comes to enjoy it. There’s a grey area where you may want to give sex. You don’t want to receive it, but you do want to give it. Perhaps to cheer your partner up (aka ‘compassionate sex’). You want them to be happy. But these are the exception to the rule. In most circumstances, it could be considered bad. Not because the sex itself is bad, but because one of you doesn’t want it, and that is bad!
Rebuilding Sexual Connection
It all starts with understanding why you’re feeling the ‘duty sex’ pressures (I told you it would come back later). Some of the following ideas will apply to you, and others won’t. Take a read and apply what might help you in your circumstances.
Seek to Understand
You feel pressure to satisfy your partner sexually, but why do they want sex? Do they even want it at all? They may be dutifully accepting sex when you offer it. They may think they’re pleasing you by having sex. Having a chat is awkward, that’s totally understandable. Find a good time and talk to them about what they find important in a relationship. What is it they really want? You might discover that they want other forms of intimacy, which will allow you both to redefine what intimacy between you both is. Cuddling, hand-holding, laughter and playfulness, deep conversations, activities, acts of kindness and general thoughtfulness… find out what you both really want. You might find that you don’t feel the ‘duty sex’ pressure anymore since you’ll be expressing intimacy differently.
Take Pressure Off Sex
Feeling like sex is a duty is always attributed to pressure. Whether it’s pressure to perform (and fear of not meeting expectations), or pressure to do it, it can feel high stakes. Removing the pressure can be done in several ways. First will be to action the other thoughts here. Eliminate as many reasons as possible that are leading to that feeling. But a chat to let your partner know how you feel is also extremely important. We can’t tell you how to communicate best with your partner because it’s entirely down to their preferences, and yours. But try to find a good time in a neutral place to let them know how you feel. Hopefully they take it on board and avoid adding to the pressure with any comments. You may even ask them to be supporting and let you know from time to time that it’s okay to not have sex. They could try changing how they respond to you when you indicate that you’re not in the mood, or you could both find a way of letting one another know where your heads are at with sex so the pressure is less. Find a way that works for you both. We know it’s a really difficult conversation to have, but it is so important for your partner to know how you feel. It may come as a shock to them, or it might not, but at least they’ll be aware of it. If they really love you, they’ll take it into account and be there for you / be open to finding a way out. Note, though, that some people struggle to find the words. Don’t take their initial reaction at face value. If they didn’t see it coming, they may feel as though they’ve been put on the spot. They may also naturally be a defensive person, or struggle to admit defeat. Let them know that you don’t mean to offend them, that you love them, and that it's something you’d like to work on. I read a post recently about somebody who tried having this conversation with their partner, and apparently the partner totally shut down. The post writer said they felt like the partner didn’t love them anymore and didn’t want to work on it. I provided a different perspective – that partner may have been using every ounce of energy fighting back tears, and knew that if they spoke they’d crumble. They might have been raised in a household that banished and punished emotions, so showing emotions isn’t on the cards for them. They might have not wanted to speak in fear of saying something they’d later regret, and wished to reconvene later. There are so many reasons people react the way they do. However your partner reacts when you approach them, don’t take it at face value. We all feel, and we all have a reason for doing and saying what we do.
Schedule Non-Sex Closeness
Understandably, feeling disconnected as a couple is a huge contributor to that ‘duty sex’ and the feelings that come with it. Making sure to block out regular time for other forms of intimacy could really improve things. A weekly cinema date, or a monthly ‘activities’ day. Or, if you’re on a budget, cook a meal together at home. Go on a nice walk. Start a project together. Just make sure you build a habit of doing something you both enjoy together. If you fear you have no shared interests, or that you’ll struggle to find the time, try again. If you’ve read this far, your relationship is obviously worth the effort to you, and you love your partner an awful lot. They may not be cooperating right now, but there will always be a common ground for you to find something to do.
Explore Fantasies and Desires
'Duty sex’ as a result of simply not enjoying sex with your partner makes complete sense. You’re not getting any fund out of it, so what’s the point? It’s a chore that pleases your partner. The fix here is simple enough – teach your partner to please you. Introduce toys that you enjoy, teach them new techniques. Become playful. Experimenting in the bedroom is definitely scary, and more so are the awkward conversations that come with it. That’s why we created the Couples Sex Quiz. Click the button below to start. If you’re not sure how to approach your partner about it, our home page has some inspiration you can use depending on how your partner likes to be approached about these things. Take a look here!
Understand Your Own Preferences
It’s not so easy to explore desires if you aren’t sure what your own preferences are. After years of unsatisfying sex, you might even have forgotten what you like. There are a number of places you can go to for inspiration. Doing our quiz will open your eyes to some incredibly raunchy and beautifully intimate sexual things, and so will things like reading raunchy stories, watching porn, and joining communities that discuss these things (Reddit is a lucrative source for eye-opening information if you know where to look). You might also benefit from spending more alone time. If you don’t masturbate often (or ever), you may enjoy giving it a try. Use toys, techniques, and experimentation to figure out what makes you orgasm the hardest. Only once you know can you let your partner know, or show them ;)
Medication
If your lack of sex drive isn’t linked to the reasons listed earlier, you may simply have a low sex drive. In (almost) all relationships, one partner will have a lower drive than the other. This is simply an inter-relationship comparison. You may both have a high sex drive compared to the rest of the world, but there will probably still be a discrepancy between you both. It’s totally normal. If yours is lower, and you’d like to want sex more often, consider either coming off, or starting a course of medication. Certain forms of birth control are known to impact libido. If you’re taking the pill, or have another form of hormone-based contraceptive in your life right now, take a look into its side effects. Other medications, such as anti-depressants, also have an impact on sex drive. A switch to a different medication may also come with different side effects (and a change in sexual desire). For some (men especially), a low level of testosterone is also known to affect libido. You may wish to seek a test from your doctor, and consider TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy). There are also natural ways to increase testosterone, such as exercise or a change in diet. If you have a medical condition that impacts your drive, for example diseases that impact energy levels, you may wish to seek medical guidance to alleviate the symptoms. If neither of these sound like you, but you still believe your low sex drive is linked to a medical condition, there’s no harm in scheduling time with your local doctor and asking for their input. Monica Bell from Optimal Hormone Health wrote a great article on health / hormones and their impact on sex. If you think you’d like to dig deeper, check out her article here.
Seek Guidance
If all else fails, or none of it appeals to you, then seeking guidance from a licensed professional might be a good option. These are people who have spent years in education to help people in your situation. This is their job. They’ll be the best placed person to help you on a tailored basis. Look for sex therapists, couples counselling, or even regular old therapists in your area that you can try. It doesn’t have to be a couple’s thing either – you can go for solo counselling.
Continue With It
It’s old-school, and many readers won’t like this suggestion. I’ll preface it by saying – use this one in conjunction with other suggestions! But, consider continuing the ‘duty sex’, and giving it a good shot when you do it. Fixing that feeling may take some time, but a total halt to sex can be very destructive. By continuing to have sex, there are a few benefits. I disagree with some, but Chris Taylor also makes some reasonable points in his article. By continuing to please your partner, you continue to show a level of “I may not want this, but I am committed to making sure this relationship works, and part of that means continuing to have sex”. This is a journey you’re both going on, and your partner may react more negatively to cooperating on that journey if they lose something that is likely very important to them.
Conclusion
‘Duty sex’ is a very common occurrence. You are not alone. ‘Duty sex’ is fixable! It’s not a sign of a broken you, or a broken them, or a broken relationship. If unresolved, it’ll impact more than just you – it’ll impact your partner, those close to you, and even those not so close to you. Change takes courage. It takes work. It takes wanting to become happy (and you very much deserve to be). Take note of the points mentioned earlier to help you find a way to understand what causes the feelings you feel around sex, and how to work on them. And, of course, use the Couples Sex Quiz to your advantage. Leverage a tool that can do some of the talking on your behalf. Oh, and if you do decide to use the quiz, enjoy 50% off with ‘QUIZ50’, a gift from us to you to help you on your way to a beautifully fulfilling sex life.
