My Partner Won’t Talk About Sex - What Can I Do?

You spend the day planning what you’re going to say, muster up all the courage you have to let your partner know how disconnected you feel sexually… and they go silent. Or change the subject. Or get defensive. It took a lot for you to bring up a subject that brings you pain and is close to your heart, but now you feel more hurt than before.

To those of you out there that relate, and feel isolated. You don’t have somebody to turn to, no compassionate friend to offer up advice. And, yet, you’re not alone. Talking about sex is a challenge most couples face, but with no education on approaching the topic, it’s pretty hard to do it (Maria Butler from RosyCheeked agrees).

So, if your partner won’t talk about sex. If they are avoidant. If you find yourself in a sexless relationship (or an unhealthily sex-driven relationship). If you’ve found that there’s been a communication breakdown in your relationship. This article is designed to help you understand and progress to a better, and healthier sex life.

Why Do Partners Avoid Sex Conversations?

The first step to healthy, progress driven sex chats is understanding. You’re feeling hurt, and that’s natural. Understanding why they might be reacting the way they do will help you approach and word better. Let’s dive into common reasons for people to shut down, avoid, distract, or deflect.

Emotional Avoidance

Karen Jensen, a certified counsellor, suggests it’s not uncommon for people to associate sex with shame, guilt, or failure as a result of their upbringing (check out her article here). No one likes feeling like they aren’t enough, and this is exactly the kind of conversation that leads to those feelings. Depending on how you approach and word the discussion, their brain might immediately serve them a dish of sadness, with a side of disappointment in themselves. To avoid those emotions, they’re likely to resort to a knee-jerk reaction like shying away, or becoming overly defensive.

Internal Insecurity

Chances are, if something is wrong in your sex life, they already know it. And they already feel insecure about it. They think they’re close to losing you, or they fear bringing it up will have them rejected. They, deep down, know they’re at fault, and that insecurity is what leads to their reaction. By bringing it up, you’re making them think their fears are coming true. That triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response that you’ve come here to resolve.

Upbringing & Conditioning

Their reaction is almost definitely rooted within their upbringing. Their household, or friends, or other influences, may have led them to believe sex is not a topic to talk about. It just kind of happens. It’s not socially acceptable to speak about it. So, when you bring it up, they feel a little lost. They don’t know how to respond. They’ll try to find a way to avoid a conversation they’ve never learnt to handle.

Power or Control

Who doesn’t want to feel in control? Let’s face it, some need it more than others. Especially in uncomfortable situations, where feeling superior brings with it some level of easing. They may be diverting the conversation so that they can think about it and come back when they know how to respond. They may get defensive in an attempt to assert dominance.

Composure

Sex and relationship stability go hand-in-hand, and this conversation likely triggers a “the end is here” thought for them. Whether that be because of past trauma, or social conditioning, or overthinking on their part – this topic may bring with it a huge amount of emotions. Their quietness may simply be a method of holding back tears. It’s often speaking it into existence that sets people off. If they are prideful, or come from a background where showing emotions was punished, they may be using every ounce of strength to avoid showing their emotions. That will often be through shutting down.

There are more reasons they may react the way they are, and they may be reacting in a way we haven’t explored. But the foundation remains – they react for a reason, and if you can understand that reason, you’ll be a step closer to a productive conversation with your partner.

How Silence Affects You

They react with silence. With anger. With confrontation, confusion, and disdain. They may have a reason for it, but that’s no excuse for how you’re left feeling. Rejected, confused, lonely, unattractive, defeated… it’s vicious.

And it creates a negative cycle. The more you try, the more you feel shut out, the more you feel disconnected, the harder it is to want to be intimate at all. This cycle can very quickly lead to the dissolution of a relationship, or worse… lasting emotional scars. It’s important to tackle the issue early. As an article by Heartfelt Counseling explains, many people also have a fear of rejection because when you open up about sex, your needs, desire and fantasies, you risk hearing that your partner is not interested or does not feel the same way, which can be terrifying and uncomfortable.

If you feel like you don’t even matter to them anymore, know that you do! They’re just unable to show it right now. There are ways to work towards a new place where they can show their affection, and your love life can be back on a good track.

What Not to Do

There are a few common faux-pas that will usually worsen the situation (taking inspiration from Rachel Gilk’s article). Take a second to reflect, and whether you have or haven’t accidentally used them, now’s your chance to take note and avoid them in the future. We’ll cover them as bullet points, because we want to move onto what you CAN do to improve things.

• Using sarcasm – “Oh yeah, because you’re the sexiest person alive”
• Using pressure – “You’ve GOT to change things immediately”
• Using ultimatums – “If you don’t do this, I’ll leave you”
• Using sex as a bargaining chip (i.e. refusing to have sex with them altogether in spite)
• Repeating yourself when they’ve shut down
• Bottling things up and then exploding
• Any form of physical violence
• Shaming – “You’re not good enough…”
• Insulting – “You’re stupid…”
• Leveraging their insecurities – “Just because you’re terrible in bed / are unattractive…”

Strategies for Opening the Conversation

This bit is all about empowering you to own that conversation in an empathetic and productive way. Our recommendation? Read through, take notes, and plan your next conversation with some inspiration.

1. Pick the Right Time

There are a few times that are no-go’s. Straight after sex, during an argument, immediately before bed, first thing after waking up, in front of others… the list goes on. Use your best judgement to find a good time and place to chat about this. A distraction-free, neutral place on a day where you’re both in a good enough mood, and with plenty of time to speak. A weekend afternoon after a nice meal might be a good idea. Avoid the bedroom for the chat if you can, since like most other couples, your sex life probably lives in the bedroom. A walk in the forest, or on a sofa facing each other with a cup of hot coco. You could get even more inspiration from Katherine Chan’s article.

Here's another top tip – let them know it’s coming. Although the pressure will build, they’ll benefit from having some time to think about the conversation, their emotions, and what they’d like to share. Give them at least a few hours of notice and keep it brief. Something along the lines of “I’d love to spend some time understanding why our sex life is where it’s at. Can we talk about it tomorrow afternoon please? Maybe we go for a walk.”

2. Validate Their Side

Saying things like “I can imagine this is uncomfortable for you” and “You don’t need to give answers – I just want to be able to talk about it together” will let your partner know that this is a supportive conversation, and not a blame-placing one. Let them know that what they’re feeling is valid, and what they want is normal. For an in-depth exploration into how you can validate your partner’s feelings, read certified sex therapist Dr. Jamie Gibbs’ aticle.

3. Show Genuine Curiosity

We’ve already explored the fact that their reaction has come from a very real and genuine place. But going into the chat wanting to truly understand their side of it all will be your most powerful tool. It’s too easy to get caught up in our own heads, wanting to push our own agenda and asking for the change we want. But the real progress comes from understanding why our partners behave in the way they do, and asking good questions to get there.

What do good questions look like? Well, first off there are lots of them – mostly revolving around “Why?” Don’t be shy to add more meat to it, turning a regular “Why?” into a “Why do you feel that way?” or “How come you’re not comfortable doing X anymore?”

Note that your partner may not always know the answers themselves. They may find that their habits are so deeply engrained into their subconscious that they reply with an “I’m not sure.” And that’s fine! Let them know they can tell you once they figure it out.

4. Let Them Know How You Feel

Now that they’ve had a chance to express how they’re feeling, it might not be clouding their openness so much anymore. So you can now, in a gentle and non-accusatory way, let your partner know how what’s happening is making you feel. Whether it be sad or mad, disconnected or afraid, by clearly spelling out what you’re feeling and why, you’ll help them understand your side as well. It may not have crossed their mind (especially if they’re upset themselves) that you, too, are finding it difficult.

If what you say does sound a little accusatory, remind them that it’s not intended that way. It’s likely that they’ll think any and all negative emotions you are feeling are down to something they’ve done. Remind them that you’re not blaming them for your emotions, but rather you’re helping them see how something has made you feel.

5. Work Towards a Solution

Once you understand why your intimate life is the way it is, and you’re both on the same page, you can start to look to the future. Setting an ideal for what you both want, and a path to get there.

You’ll need to compromise. Finding a middle ground will be important if you both want different things. Relationships are give and take, and you’ll probably have to do things you don’t like the sound of to get the things you want. A sex life should be pleasurable for both (or all) partners. Take note of what your partner wants, and let them know what you desire. If you’re struggling to articulate that with one another, or want to make sure you do a good and thorough job, consider signing up to our quiz! It’s both wide AND deep, exploring all areas of a couple’s intimate lives. Use discount code “QUIZ50” for 50% off.

6. Try Written Communication

Sometimes the blocker is the fact that you have to speak face to face, and it adds so many emotions that cloud your judgement. Writing a letter to each other either with how you’re feeling, or letting them know what your ideal looks like, can be a huge step towards progress. Giving yourself the time to carefully put into words what you want to say, and spending time reading what your partner is trying to tell you, can be a lot clearer than a chat.

7. Reminders

Remind your partner that you still love them, and make sure to dismiss their fears constantly. These chats can get heated, and letting them know that you’re not planning on breaking up with them (or putting to rest other fears) will help them stay calm and open to continuing.

8. Revisit

These can be really long discussions, especially if the issue has been going on for a while. We’ve touched on it already, but letting your partner know they can take time to think about what you’ve shared, or asking for a time out yourself will let you both keep working at a comfortable pace.

When you do decide to put a pin in it, try to set a time to revisit the conversation to avoid it falling by the wayside. Keep it soon too, so that you don’t forget or overthink. Up to a couple days is the sweet spot – long enough to think, yet short enough to keep momentum.

9. Therapy

If the other tips aren’t helping, licensed professional may be just what you both need. They’re not cheap, but there’s a good reason for that. They know exactly what questions to ask, they provide a neutral environment, and encourage mutual support throughout. They will guide the conversation to make sure that you both tell one another what needs to be said, and they’ll help you reconcile afterwards.

When Nothing Works: Set Limits with Love

There comes a point when you’ve tried everything and nothing has changed. You’ve tried approaching the topic a few times, in different ways, and even let your partner approach you. But they never do. Now is the time to set limits – because it’s simply not fair for either of you (let alone both of you) to feel sad, frustrated, disconnected and any other negative emotions resulting from your sexual troubles together.

You need to start with compassion and love. Let them know this isn’t a “you vs. me” scenario, but instead it’s a “our relationship together” thing. Make sure that they know you still love them and want to continue doing so.

Then share the way it pans out. Let them know that if things continue as they are, neither of you will be happy. It’ll affect your mental wellbeing and the people around you will suffer too. Your partner needs to know that a relationship with unhappy individuals is unhealthy and unsustainable. It sounds like an ultimatum and in some regards it is, but it’s done from a place of love and compassion. You can read more on this here.

How a Sex Quiz can Help Start the Conversation

If neither of you can find the words, it might be time to let us do the talking for you. Our quiz isn’t just about kinks and fetishes, it’s even more about communication, consent, and preferences to build the foundations of a good and mutually healthy sex life. A sex quiz, like ours, can be a catalyst that uncovers how you like to have these kinds of conversations, what you both need to know about your partner, and set boundaries or limits, all without needing the awkward conversation.