Can Freeuse Save a Sexless Relationship in 2025?

Whilst scrolling through (and, as always, trying to help sexless couples improve their sex lives) a Reddit chain, I came across a barbaric yet charming concept. One person said, "Frankly I would love a free use situation where my partner and I have free rein to jump each other whenever the urge strikes." Which sounded like rape, until I read the next comment below it: "My partner has said more than once that freeuse saved our marriage. It sure as hell ended our almost decade long DB; that much I can say for certain..." DB means Dead Bedroom, or a sexless relationship where the bedroom life is deemed as "dead". You can read up on why dead bedrooms happen in our earlier blog post "Why So Many Couples Stop Having Sex". The Reddit comment continues, "I gotta admit, it's pretty great for us. It took a little while to find our groove, but we're now having more and better sex than we'd ever thought possible. It requires a lot of communication, honesty and trust, but it can work!" So, in that vein, let's explore what it is, how it can go wrong, and how it can go so right!

What is Freeuse?

Quite simply as our first commenter's dreams and wishes above stated... you and your partner have "free reign to jump each other whenever the urge strikes." Or, as more reasonably put, a consensual arrangement between you both wherein when either of you wants to have sex with the other, you can!

Freeuse: the Kink

Especially common in BDSM culture, having one submissive partner is a major turn-on for many. Likewise, being the submissive yourself can be extremely hot. Using freeuse for kink reasons usually means your sex life is probably doing just fine, and you simply like the idea of getting to screw each other whenever you want to. Check out VICE's article on the rise of freeuse. A common kink is to want to be your partner's 'sex toy'. They can use you however they please, and objectify you a little. Freeuse might sometimes add an extra dimension to this, since if you were a 'toy' for your partner, they could use you whenever they like. As always though, consent is still needed, and in some relationships this sort of arrangement won't work. More on what consent might look like in this specific scenario soon. In some more extreme cases, freeuse can come in the form of rape roleplay, wherein one partner forces themselves onto the other which is trying to resist. This one is the ultimate "communication and consent need to be extremely explicit and understood" scenario.

Freeuse: the New Hope

Less common, and unlikely to be welcomed at first glance, but if you suffer from a sexless marriage (or other sexless relationship), there could be a wide variety of reasons. From one partner simply not having a similarly high sex drive to them not being interested because they're not getting what they want from sex anymore, to stress and time constraints and tiredness and medical factors - dead bedrooms are common! In some instances, such as one partner having a particularly low sex drive, they may want to please their partner but not have it on their mind. As for the one that wants more sex but isn't getting it, they may struggle to initiate because of it. Therefore the freeuse arrangement may rekindle a lost love by helping the lower libido partner 'satisfy' their lover, and helping the higher libido partner feel connected through sex. In some instances, that forced increase in sex frequency may end up reminding the lower libido partner of what they wanted, or awaken a new kink that turns them on, or teach them how to have sex again after so long out of it. But just like the kink, communication and consent are absolutely crucial!

Consent

Consent is BY FAR the most important part of freeuse - if you're going to have free reign to have sex (whether it be two-sided, or one-sided), you need to ensure you never step into the 'rape' territory. Here's a great article on consent and how it's evolved over time. Before we proceed, I wanted to dispel an important myth: rape in a relationship is entirely possible - rape itself is defined as sex without consent (not against a no, literally without consent, which means the absence of a clear "Yes"). Even if your partner does not actively say "No" or push you off, or even look like they're not enjoying it, if they're having sex against their will, it is rape. This is why communication and consent are particularly important when trying freeuse. If you're still not sold, read up on the horrendous effects of nonconsensual sex on a person... it can be really damaging.

Have a Chat

Your partner, more likely than not, doesn't know what "freeuse" even means right now. Bring it up at a good time and gauge their reaction. Perhaps not in front of others, especially family... but in private, when you're both in a neutral mood and open to new ideas. "I read this article about freeuse, have you heard of it?" could be a great conversation starter. This first chat isn't about getting a "I want to do this" confirmation, it's more of a setting the stage for what comes later. Give your partner time to sit with the concept without asking whether it's something you can both try. Even if their initial reaction was a clear no, you may find that they've mulled it over and considered it more (though still unlikely to be a yes). Sometime in the future, you could bring it up again and see how they react. This time with more intent - "I've been thinking about this freeuse concept more, have you?" This time, aim for a more definitive answer. If it's a "No", then why not look at other ways of how to make your sex life go from stale to sizzling again?

Set Boundaries

Start by agreeing what kind of sex you're willing to have during freeuse - rough and passionate? Perhaps not ideal every time, and it's better to set the expectation beforehand to avoid disappointment and upset. Typically, low-effort sex is common, though your agreement may look different. Next, discuss where freeuse is acceptable. If you're a particularly adventurous couple, you might be happy to dip into the nearest public toilet and get to it there. For other couples, keeping it in the home might suit better. The 'when' boundaries should be set too. Anytime during the day? Only when you're both alone in the home? Not first thing in the morning? Explore and seek to deeply understand when you can approach each other with freeuse. Make sure to understand how each of you would prefer to be approached / eased into it when it happens. Is "I want to have sex" enough to get the ball rolling? Or might you need to make efforts to at least help your partner get into the mood? Knowing what the 'pre' looks like is really important to increase your chances of a successful freeuse agreement. Finally, when neither of you are ready to commit to a when and where, there was a fun concept I read about years ago. The 'fridge magnet' consent theory, where you'd each have a magnet on a fridge, and if your magnet was in a specific position (say, top right corner) it meant you were in the mood / open to sex. It's easy to forget, and even easier for someone else to meddle with the magnets, but you may have a teddy in the bedroom and use the direction it faces as indication.

Have a "No" or Equivalent

We've covered consent (i.e. agreeing to when freeuse is on the cards), however non-consent is perhaps even more important. Especially if 'rape' roleplay is to be involved. A way for you to let each other know, despite the freeuse agreement, sex is really not on the cards right now. A safe word is alsways a great idea, and we highly recommend having one. But you still MUST agree what "No" will look like before freeuse, and sex in general. In a 'rape' roleplay, one partner resisting and saying "No" is probably just going to be part of the whole experience, which is when a safe word is crucial. If covering the mouth / stopping the partner playing the part of 'being raped' from speaking, you may need a 'safe gesture', and a few might be a good idea too. Maybe it's a specific way of blinking or looking at the 'rapist', or doing something specific with hands or feet. Just... make sure you both know how you may say "No" to each other BEFORE sex. Always!

Set Expectations

You've got your boundaries, non-consent, and agreement ready - but things could still go very wrong. There's a good chance you both currently have wildly different expectations of the ordeal. It's not uncommon for the lower libido partner to expect a low-energy option where their partner gets to 'release'. The higher libido person may expect more excitement and energy from a partner that, at the end of the day, is being used (it's literally in the name... "freeUSE"). So it's time to talk about what your ideals are when it comes to this specific sort of sex. What are the base expectations? How will you let each other know if you're not able to meet those expectations this time? Here are some points you may wish to talk about:

• Are you both wanting to orgasm every time?
• Who is in charge of the clean-up?
• Energy levels / positions / who is putting in more effort (or is it mutual)?
• Penetrative? Oral? Hand-stuff?
• Toys?
• Protection?
• Duration (yes, you may really want sex, but if your partner is doing it to let you feel good, they might be inclined to prefer a shorter sex session)? Another important consideration that deserves to be more than a bullet point is how do you both want to feel? Freeuse can quickly result in one partner feeling used, or disconnected, or objectified. Some people don't interpret it that way, but others do and may prefer not to. Talk about what you could do when having this sort of sex to avoid that partner feeling that way. It may come down to aftercare (a cuddle and loving words), it may revolve around making sure they feel good too, or perhaps something else entirely. Finally, give each other an idea of how often you might actually want it. Unsurprisingly, almost every couple has differing sex expectations. More surprisingly, however, is that many couples don't actually know what their partner's actual libido is. If a partner is agreeing to freeuse under the expectation of twice a week and is met with twice a day, they'll want to stop pretty quickly. Which is why you both want to make sure you have an idea of how often you may be met with sex!

Check-In

It's common sense, but I'm writing it because it's no less important than anything else mentioned here - check in regularly! We've got a lot in our quiz about helping couples learn how to communicate about sex in a way that suits them both, and you should definitely know how to approach a check in in a way that suits your partner. Maybe after every freeuse, or every couple, ask your partner how they're feeling about the agreement. Find out what is and isn't working so that you can continue to have a sexy love life - full of freeuse sex and other sex!

Using Freeuse Effectively

At the end of the day, freeuse is meant to help couples stay connected (or just have good kinky fun). We've gone into the trenches around communication, consent, and safety, but don't forget that this is about helping both partners feel more connected. It's give-and-take. It can also build a lot of trust, if done right, and if check ins lead to changes. Make sure to never lose sight of what's important though - your relationship, and an excellent sex life. If things aren't working, change them. If freeuse isn't on the cards, explore other avenues.

Freeuse not for You?

Freeuse is an acquired taste, there's no doubt about it. There's a strong chance you just read this post and thought to yourself, "Absolutely not!" But your relationship may still suffer from a sex draught, and you may still want to try and fix that. Or you may simply not be satisfied with your current sex life. Or you might be satisfied and want that little extra, that cherry on the Sundae. We've been building the Couples Sex Quiz for a few months because we desperately want to help people improve their sex lives by giving them a way of communicating in a non-judgmental, yet honest and thorough way. From the wilder things to your preferences around communication and consent, we've tried to ask broad and deep questions to garner your likes, dislikes, and wishes, and help your partner please you better (and you, them). Give it a try!