How to Get Better at Sexting and Phone Sex

Phones aren’t just for doomscrolling or checking work emails. In the right hands (and with the right words ;) ) they can be a tool for deep connection and intense arousal. Sexting and phone sex can be thrilling ways to express desire, especially when you're far away from one another. But many people don’t know where to start, or worry about getting it wrong. We just added a new Sexting & Phone Sex category to the Couples Sex Quiz, and it’s packed with insights about what people want, fear, and fantasise about when it comes to erotic connection through words alone. To celebrate the new category launch, we wanted to share some tips and tricks to help you make a start. Want more on dirty talk? Read our other post on dirty talking like an expert.

Start with What They Actually Want

Not everyone gets turned on by the same things, and you already know that... Some of us love a slow-burn tease. Some of us want direct, demanding instructions. Some of us (ok, many of us) enjoy being complimented in vivid, specific ways (“I love the way your hips move when you…” is wayyyy sexier than “you’re hot”). Some of us want surprise sexts, others of us prefer a heads-up. The key is figuring out not what to say, but what your partner wants to hear. And that includes tone. Vulgarity works for some, yet for others, it's a major turn-off. Swearing, crudeness, or overly graphic language can shut down arousal instead of building it. If you’re not sure, try something more descriptive and romantic first, and go from there.

Timing Is Everything

One thing is clear: context matters! Sexting while you’re across the room at a dinner party? Incredibly hot for some. Sexting at work? Also yes, but don't expect a speedy a reply. Others prefer it when they’re alone in a cosy spot Or right before you see each other to build that sexual tension. Phone sex, similarly, needs the right headspace. Some people love spontaneous calls where the sexual tension builds in real-time. Others need a little notice - something as simple as a suggestive “Up for a spicy call you later?” with a raunchy emoji text can set the stage perfectly.

You Might Need to Make the First Move

Not everyone feels confident sending the first message. It's vulnerable. It's risky. But if your partner is open to sexting or phone sex, someone has to go first... maybe that’s you? A single sexy message can unlock a whole new dynamic between you two. And once the floodgates are open, it gets easier (and hotter) every time. But knowing if your partner is into it comes down to communication.

Pick a Mood

We've identified a few key 'moods' for sexting, and sex in general. From gentle to rough, seek to understand what your partner likes, and then learn how to master that one. Here's an overview with tips on mastering each mood.

Scenario-Based

"I want you to imagine me sliding my fingers down from clenching your throat, caressing your neck, past your shoulder and down to your nipple..." - as it sounds, a vivid description of a theoretical scenario. This one really turns some people on, because cause they can imagine it so vividly (depending on how well you describe, of course), and almost FEEL it! If your partner gets engrossed in a good book, they may very well like this type of dirty sext / phone sex. The only inspiration you need is to describe, in crazy and tempting detail, a scenario that your partner usually likes. Try a few different scenarios over time and see how they react to them to determine which they really like.

Complimentary

"I love holding your big veiny dick" or "You look so incredibly sexy riding me" - some love feeling good about themselves (ok, most...) and compliments can really help people feel sexy about themselves. That confidence will, in turn, get them more in the mood. The complimentary kind of sext / phone sex is best used with other types - purely because it's not easy to have a longer session with only compliments. Though as the odd dirty word / sext, it could be the perfect mood setter for when you're next together ;)

Instructions

"I want you to take your hand and..." - Tell your lover what to do, and guide them to satisfaction (or tease them without release). It's simple, and used to be how things were done before smartphones.

Tease

"Are you getting close? So for dinner tonight..." - There's no tease quite like a random sidetracking mid sexting / phone sex. There are other ways of doing it too, like "Stop touching yourself, and just listen to me enjoying myself" for example. Another recommended to be used in conjunction with other types, especially instructions.

Future Scenario

"Tonight I'm going to strap your wrists to the bed and..." - Or softer if you wish, but the point stands - this is a description of what you promise to do at a later date. Tell your partner what you're going to do to them, and get them excitedly primed for when you're next together. Whether as a tactic to increase your chances (because it'll already be on their mind, though it's not guaranteed), or to build tension, describing a future scenario in detail will be exciting for you both!

Avoid Guesswork and Talk About It

The most satisfying sexting and phone sex doesn’t come from wild improvisation. It comes from knowing what turns your partner on and what they’d rather avoid. Are they into explicit instructions? Do they want to hear fantasies? Are there words or scenarios that risk completely killing the mood? Talking about it might feel awkward, but it’s way less awkward than sending something that makes them cringe. And if the goal is pleasure, communication is the ultimate foreplay.

Want to Know What Your Partner Really Wants?

We’ve built a deep, non-judgemental Sexting & Phone Sex category in our Couples Sex Quiz to help you both find your turn-ons, set your boundaries, and discover how to make words count - without the awkward "Sooooo, I was thinking..." chat. Click the button below to find the what, when, how, where of sexting with your partner!